(please don't) throw caution to the wind
by mutemelodyx
Summary: Sanders Sides. Virgil used to be Caution, a friend of the other Sides. Then he changed and became Anxiety. Not that the others know that - the only one who knows that Caution became him is Deceit, who has his own plans in mind. [Cross-Posted on Ao3]


**This fic is the centric work in a series that I'm not putting on this site due to the fact that there's no real series feature here, and the other stories can't really stand by themselves, as they're all based around this one. It can be found on my Ao3 account (see my profile) under the name A Cautionary Tale.**

**Warnings:**  
**\- Implied/Referenced Internalized Homophobia [Mentions of how Thomas repressed his sexuality when he was younger]**  
**\- Implied/Referenced Minor Character Death [Caution, as he and Anxiety are not technically the same entity]**  
**\- Swearing [Not really a warning due to rating but I just want to draw attention to the two (2) swears that appear in this fic because I think their shared context is funny]**

* * *

Virgil wasn't always Anxiety.

When Thomas was younger, he was Caution. He was opener, kinder, _lighter. _Afraid, but not fear. Unsure, but not insecure. Hesitant, but not harmful.

But then, of course, teenage years changed that. The _bullying _changed that. The repressed sexuality changed that. The mix of emotions and the stress of keeping Thomas safe as the chemicals in his brain changed made him someone else.

_Something _else.

It wasn't a quick development either. It wasn't that one day he was something entirely new and that was that.

It was long, drawn-out, _painful._

"Vee!" A happy voice called, and he turned to see Roman, _Creativity._

"Yeah?" He asks, trying to keep the weakness out of his voice. Leaning against the wall to hide his unsteady nature. He's happy to see his closest friend, but also he's - well, he doesn't know what this emotion is. His lungs feel heavy and there's a pit in his stomach because he likes Roman but _can't _let him see how bad he's doing.

(Later, he realizes that that was the beginning of anxiety settling into his skin properly. The beginning of a Sode with anxiety turning _into _Anxiety.)

Roman's eyes were sparkling and his mouth open to go on what was doubtlessly another excited rant before it shut suddenly. His eyebrows crease in confusion and concern as he looks over the unstable Side.

"Are you okay?" He inquires, his voice quieter than usual, gentler. More reserved, more _conserved._

Shame fills him. He's crumbling and breaking and he _shouldn't _be. He's _Caution _and he's supposed to be stable and alert and do his _job _and now-

Now he's changing. He's under too much pressure and he's _shattering. _He's showing he's the weakest because he's not stable like Roman or Patton or at least changing _naturally _like Logan did from Reason to Logic.

"Y-Yeah," He says, his voice shaky. "I'm fine. What's up?"

"Virgil…"

Anger and irritation suddenly fill him. "I _said _I'm fine, leave me alone!" He snarls, spinning and stalking back to his room, leaving the shocked Side behind.

He collapses as soon as the door shuts behind him. His room is dark - too dark, he can't see well enough, _why is it so dark?_ \- and unfamiliar around him. It's still undoubtedly his, it's just…unstable. Shifting. _Changing._

Like him.

He does not leave his room the next day, no matter what the Sides on the other side of that locked door say. He just lies there and tosses and turns on his bed, going from sweating to shivering and back again infrequently.

One day, he watches his door fade through bleary, tired eyes. He's too miserable to care up to the point until it's suddenly the only thing his mind can focus on and he's absolutely _freaking out _until he loses consciousness.

He's not sure how long passes until Deceit is there. He's tired and exhausted and shaking and has no energy to spare to react. He had interacted with Deceit as Caution - fought, agreed, debated, compromised.

But that had been _Caution, _and he's not Caution any longer. His mind is in a haze and he barely remembers anything, but he knows that much is true.

"Who am I?" He wheezes out, desperate for _something._

Deceit looks him over, his face pinched in a way he has never seen on the Side.

"Do you remember anything?" Deceit asks, concern instead of confidence in his voice.

He just shrugs tiredly.

"You're fully stabilized, so you _don't_ need to stay here any longer. I won't come back later to check on you." Deceit says, and it takes his exhausted brain a moment to decipher the lies. To translate that he's still in the process of reforming - that while he's not Caution any longer, he's also not anything else yet either.

(Is that why he's so jumbled?)

Deceit visits intermittently, entering through the door that he hadn't noticed reform. He quips and insults him even though he can see the concern in his eyes and notices that the glass of water by his bed is never empty.

His room stays dark. Nothing changes that, and nothing ever will.

But...it's different now because he doesn't hate it anymore. Doesn't feel the fear stemming from Thomas of the unseen, unknown. He just feels comfortable. Hidden.

Anxiety stumbles out of his room days later, confused and disoriented and almost falls before Deceit is suddenly there, guiding him carefully to the couch in a common area darker than he's used to and different in subtle ways.

"I'm…Anxiety," the Side blinks, peering up at Deceit uncertainly. "Is that who I am?"

Deceit hesitates. "It is all that you are," He states. "You've never been anyone else. You should try and forget all about it."

There's something in his voice that really sticks. A plea in the place of his typical cocky confidence.

A _please, _hidden in there. _Please, don't forget yourself. Don't destabilize, scatter, fade._

Deceit does not look at him as he says these lies, but the Side - _Anxiety _\- slowly nods.

"Okay," he says, his voice still hoarse. "I'll… try to remember."

Deceit just rolls his eyes, but there's a tenseness to him that disappears.

* * *

The other Sides don't like him. As Deceit lingers close, they drift away.

(Is it drifting away if they never really were close by in the first place? Sure, they had been close with Caution, but that's _not him._ Not anymore.)

Patton - _Morality, _he reminds himself. Not Patton to him - tries, but there's a strain to their interactions. Logic is distant, colder than usual. Roman is harsh and scornful.

He can't blame them. They miss Caution. Caution was so much better than Anxiety - so much more secure, light, _happier. _He had been nicer and more supportive and just…everything Anxiety can not be.

He had been a _true _protector, unlike Anxiety.

* * *

They came for him.

They still came for _Anxiety. _They saved him and didn't let him fade away like Caution even though it's his fault that that Side is gone in every way that matters.

They saved him.

So he blurts out his name, reveals himself to them for a second time. They don't link it to Caution's - can't, because the moment he changed the name was lost to them. Vanished, dispersed like the Side that he once was.

But they still welcome him and accept him and let him in. Him. _Anxiety._

"You can call me Virge," Because that's the nickname he prefers now, unlike the _Vee _that Caution had been partial to.

Because while they are technically the same entity, they're also fundamentallydifferent.

* * *

Deceit comes back eventually. Deceit who's programmed for selfishness the way Virgil's programmed for protection. Whose purpose is to protect Thomas and all of his Sides at the base level regardless of the personal or moral cost.

They're both protectors destined to hurt those they protect, just in different ways. They've both accepted their fate and play their parts and fight back and forth because they are two sides of the same coin.

Deceit is the false confidence that covers Virgil's insecurity. The lies that cover doubts.

Virgil is the fear that drives the falsitudes. The uncertainty that fuels the fire of deception.

So they bicker and fight and insult, but still understand. Deceit still comes to Virgil's room when the selfish drive grows so bad that he's losing sight of himself. Virgil still flees to Deceit's corner when nothing else can reassure him, assuage the waves of anxiety threatening to take him over.

Of course, Deceit is fiercely and bitterly protective. It's a trait of his that tends to lean towards antagonistic and harsh, but it's there for better or worse.

So, really, Virgil should have realized he never truly forgave the other Sides for what happened to Virgil earlier in their existence.

"You are Thomas' fight-or-flight response, correct?" Deceit asks, a knowing smirk on his face as he looks at Virgil from behind his podium. The whole courtroom scenario is making Virgil uneasy, and Deceit is not helping with all of his mind games and twisted words.

"Oh my gosh, we all know each other. Who are these clarifications for?!" He exclaims in response, hitting the wood underneath his palms impatiently. He hates this, hates being the center of attention. He just wants to get this over worth.

"I am merely clarifying that your main purpose is to protect Thomas from danger, is it not?" Deceit restates calmly, his voice silky smooth. It somehow calms and irritates him at the same time.

"It is," He agrees reluctantly, tugging at the sleeves of his sweatshirt underneath the witness stand.

"But despite your main function to be protection, you have been rather...unjustifiably hurt by the other Sides present here today, correct?"

Oh, _that's _where he's going with this. He's proving his point on the case while also being a petty bitch.

"Next question," He growls threateningly, while also tensing in fear. He can't help it - he's so anxious, too anxious, too _scared _and he's such a _mess _and the other Sides _can't find out._

"So you're saying you have been hurt by these self-proclaimed 'Light Sides'? But Virgil, what could they _possibly _hold against you?" Deceit continues easily, his questions directed towards him but his eyes carefully moving to watch the reactions of all the others with a slight smirk teasing his lips.

_"Shut up," _He snarls, defensive as his eyes look anywhere but the other Sides or Thomas. He's scared. Backed into a corner. He's messy, jagged, _unstable _.

(Everything Caution had not been.)

"What? I'm merely pointing out how Thomas is not good as he pretends to be. After all, would a truly _good person _have Sides who behave like this? After all," His yellow eye seems to glint threateningly in the courtroom lights, "It's not like we're _already _missing a Side, right?"

The courtroom seems to be frozen at the implication. Virgil risks a glance around the room. He can't quite make out Logan's expression - the Logical Side is too far away - but he's completely unmoving to an unnerving degree. Patton is staring down at the desk, an absolutely heartbroken and devastated look on his face. Roman's absolutely still, his eyes looking at something far, far away with a faint trace of horror on his face.

He meets Thomas' eyes. His Manifestor is just staring at him in confusion, concern.

"They didn't do _anything, _Deceit," Virgil spits out, forcing himself to turn his gaze back to Deceit. "You _know _ twisting things."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Deceit's lie slips off of his tongue smoothly, cleanly. It's clearly a falsehood, by the tone, but it still comes out neatly. "But isn't this just the heart of the matter? How can Thomas truly be a good, _selfless _person, when the majority of his personality and intelligence are selfish Sides who blame their _protector_ for their own shortcomings?"

Patton's not going to stop him. He's too stuck in his own wallowing and guilt if the look on his face is anything to go by. Roman's lost, stuck somewhere in the clouds. Logan's in the back, powerless and probably lost in calculations and analysis and forcing down emotions he claims he doesn't have.

"What happened with Caution," His voice catches at the name, but he forces himself to swallow and continue. "Was not their fault. It was a bad situation and if anyone should be blamed, it should be _me."_

"Caution?" Thomas asks, his voice quiet, confused.

"Oh, does anyone want to take that question? _Morality?" _Deceit asks his voice sickly sweet.

Patton opened his mouth and then closed it, seemingly at a loss for words. It's jarring seeing him so...quiet. Sad.

_"Deceit," _ Virgil grounds out, forcing attention away from that loaded question. "For the court, I don't blame anyone for Caution, because they have_ nothing _to be blamed_ for._ They lost someone they cared about and were dealing with it. It's not reflective on Thomas as a person. It doesn't make him _selfish." _He snaps. "Now get back to the wedding questions or be _done."_

Deceit's eyes flicker over him, taking in his tenseness, his anger, his _intensity. _"Very well, Virgil. No further questions." He says, letting his gloved hands drag across the podium as he takes a step back and casually walks back to his bench.

There's a moment of no movement before Patton draws in a breath and stands, walking over to the podium. His mask is firmly in place, a smile and light attitude around him.

(Not that it fools anyone present.)

Patton starts speaking and stays on topic. He talks of the wedding and the callback, and Caution is not brought back up by him or anyone else.

Well, until the trial is over. Until Deceit's gone and so is Logan and Roman and Patton and he's about to leave too but sees Thomas' eyes and hesitates before realizing that he's probably the best one to answer the questions. He holds no grief for Caution, after all. The loss hurts him the least. It's more self-deprecation than the grief or hurt that the other Sides hold and he can take it.

"If you have questions about Deceit's questions to me, it's probably best if you ask me now. The others…" He hesitates, "They might not take it well." He finishes carefully.

"Virgil," Thomas says, his voice slightly helpless. He's so confused, and Virgil can't blame him. He had been nowhere near as in touch with his emotions and thoughts and dreams back then, and no one has ever brought it up directly in front of him. "What...was all of that?"

He thinks for a moment, wonders where to start, before deciding that the beginning is the best.

He tells him how Morality was the first Side to truly manifest, to truly become more than just feelings and beliefs and morals. To become a Side, to become _Patton. _He tells him how Creativity and Caution and Reason would follow in an order that he's unsure of. That Deceit came in somewhere around there, along with others, but that's a completely different story.

He explains how the Sides grow with him and can change as a result. He tells him how Logan changed from Reason to Logic smoothly, easily. That it was no different than how Thomas' hair had naturally turned from blonde to brown.

He then hesitates before explaining Caution from the other Sides' perspectives. How he had gotten...caught. Stuck. How something - bullying, adolescence, _something _\- had just...gotten to him.

"He got very sick," He explains, his voice soft. "And then went into his room. Then his door disappeared, and the others haven't seen him since."

"And you?"

"I came later. That's why...it was so hard for Princey to accept me. I have that job now, but I'm...darker. I'm not his old friend. That Side is gone."

"But you're still part of him?" Thomas questions, "Sure, it was different, but you...you _are _technically still Caution, right? Like Logan is still a version of Reason?"

"I...I didn't say that." He stumbles, shocked, confused, _stunned. _"Reason became Logic, but...Caution_fragmented. _He...he's not…" There are tears in his eyes. His hands are shaking. When had he sat down on the stairs? When had Thomas kneeled down in front of him?

"Virgil? Keep breathing, buddy." Thomas instructs, putting his hands _(so warm - _Virgil will never get used to the sensation of his Manifestor touching his physical form) over Virgil's. "I'm sorry if I said something-"

"I never told anyone Caution became me." He chokes out, unable to contain it anymore. "Deceit only knows because he...he was _there. _He helped me through it. But I...I never…" He removes a hand to wipe his face with his sleeve. "The others don't know. I never told them."

"What?" Thomas asks, surprised. He stands slightly to move so he is sitting next to Virgil, his side pressed against Virgil's to offer much-needed comfort. Support. "How do they not…"

"You were a teenager. You were dealing with sexuality-crises and bullying and just..._ being _a teenager. It was turmoil, in your mind. Smaller Sides frequently came and went. We all went through mood swings and fought and changed allegiances. God, you don't know fear until you see Patton and Deceit _working together." _He tries to joke, but his chuckle is short and forced.

"They just...assumed Caution was gone and I formed after. They never...asked or anything. I just came in and introduced myself, and..." He closes his eyes. "They tried. They _tried. _But I was just too much like him and not enough at the same time. We...couldn't get along. On anything. Never did until you turned on the camera and started mediating."

"But...Deceit was there?" He presses softly.

Virgil nods, rubbing his face with his sleeve roughly to help ground himself in the present, "He's not...evil. He's selfish, but he's just a defense mechanism like me. It's just that he doesn't care about the moral cost or anything as long as you're advantaged in the end. All of our goals are to help you, Thomas. It's just that we all go about it differently." He draws his knees up. "He helped me, because if he hadn't I might not have ever stabilized properly, and then, well, Logan explained pretty well how you acted when I wasn't around."

Thomas hums in agreement, obviously thinking deeply, and a silence falls over them for a few moments. Virgil feels exhausted, but...good. It's nice to tell Thomas this, to finally get rid of that secret. Hiding things from his Manifestor feels _wrong _on a base level. This - telling him, talking to him, sitting next to him and feeling the_warmth _that no Side could mimic - is good. Really good.

"Are you...ever going to tell them?" Thomas asks quietly.

He sighs, "I don't know, Thomas. I don't know _anything _anymore. I'm...I'm _not _Caution. I'm not the one that they lost, that they _want. _I have the same memories, but they're hazy and incomplete. I don't have the same methods, goals, _personality. _He was...confident. Strong. He could _protect."_

"You protect," Thomas says instantly, as if offended he would insinuate otherwise. "And you're strong too. And okay, you're not him, but that's not a _bad thing, _Virgil. You're not just his replacement or stand-in or an imposter. You're _you. _You're my Anxiety. My good old worrywart." Thomas smiles at him. "And I wouldn't trade you for _anything."_

And _God, _if that doesn't make Virgil start crying again.

Thomas just reaches out, and he's suddenly sobbing into his Manifestor's shoulder, releasing over a decade of pent-up insecurities and doubts and darkness into what feels like an endless supply of warmth.

* * *

They eventually separate and part ways, but that's a lot later. After Virgil has finished crying and Thomas is done comforting and they both debate jokingly which of them is a bigger mother hen. After they truly talk about things that need to be discussed and Virgil agrees to tell the other Sides, but only if Thomas is there. After they sit there for a while, Side and Manifestor, in silence.

Then, they separate and both go to their respective rooms - one in the physical world, and the other in a mental one. After they both rest, sleeping deeply and contentedly.

Deceit is there, the next morning. There's no apology on his lips but there's no condemnation from Virgil's. They just both mutter insults and quips and flip each other off, testing the waters, before Deceit leaves as quickly as he came.

(Bitch.)

* * *

Thomas calls them all two days after the courtroom misadventure, allowing one day of rest. Virgil only runs into Patton during that time, who hugs him tightly and tells him how much he loves him. Virgil is awkward and tense but returns the hug slightly and that seems to be enough for the father-figure of a Side, who smiles wider and truer after they break apart.

Thomas calls them gently rather than summoning them - it's direct and clear, but not forceful or demanding. Still, they all heed it without hesitation. He _is_ Thomas, after all.

Thomas guides them over to the couch and Virgil instinctively sits as far away from the other Sides as he can, using the Manifestor as a barrier. No one takes too much note of it - Virgil has a tendency to stick closer to Thomas when they're physically manifested due to being the literal embodiment of Anxiety.

Thomas gives him an encouraging smile before turning to face the three other sides.

"Virgil has something to tell you guys," He explains. "You _will _hear him out." There's no room for questioning, by his tone. Thomas is rarely ever completely serious, especially when talking to them. He gets three quick, concise nods in reply, and Virgil gets a concerned look, a confused one, and a questioning one.

He draws in a deep breath, draws in courage from Thomas' proximity, presence, _warmth, _and then says what he's wanted to say but always too afraid, _anxious, _to share.

"When Caution fragmented," He says, his voice just over a whisper. "He reformed. Into me."

* * *

It takes a while to sort everything out after that.

Logan was persistent in his questioning, asking about the details of everything Virgil could possibly remember. They were the only two main Sides to change in any capacity, but both processes had been very different and Logan being _Logan _needed to have all of the information that Virgil could provide.

Patton was emotional in his support, ranging from guilty to ecstatic to something else until he was flitting through emotions so fast that Virgil practically felt dizzy trying to keep up. It _was _support, though - or would acceptance be a better word? Either way, Patton had been _Patton, _and the only thing that seemed to bother him about their current situation that he was willing to show was that Virgil was sitting too far away for him to hug.

Roman had been...uncharacteristically quiet. But it's not _really_ uncharacteristic - Virgil knows him well enough that he either gets angry when Caution is brought up or absolutely silent. He doesn't say anything as Virgil tells his story and answers the questions and repeats the sentiment that no one is to blame over and over and over again. Roman doesn't even look at him.

Thomas seems concerned by this, but Virgil just shakes his head when he gets a questioning look from the human. Patton seems to understand what Virgil wants - bless him - and somehow wordlessly communicates to Thomas to give them space before grabbing Logan and pulling him out of the room, ignoring the protests and demands for release. Thomas follows hesitantly, shooting an uncertain look back before fully leaving.

Roman still doesn't look at him. His eyes are trained on some inconsequential spot, his vision on something not in this physical plane.

"I loved him," Creativity tells Anxiety, still not looking at him. "Caution."

"He felt the same." Anxiety tells him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling as his mind draws forth memory fragments of interlocked hands and bright smiles.

They had been so young, Caution and Creativity, but they had been _close. _Caution had stabilized Creativity, giving him a base foundation. Giving him balance. Creativity had energized Caution, showing him what he was protecting _for. _Giving him purpose.

They had been just kids, with dreams that stretched to the sky and protective instincts that ran deep into the ground.

Creativity reaches across the couch and presses a hand to Anxiety's knee. Anxiety's gaze flickers to him, meets his eyes. They are watery, but not full of hate or depression or disgust, which is what Anxiety had expected.

"I love you too," Creativity tells Anxiety, looking at him directly. "Anxiety."

Anxiety's own eyes become watery. He smiles.

"I feel the same."

And that's it. That's what they needed to say, what they needed to realize about each other and themselves.

Because, well, moving on is not the same as moving forwards. Creativity loved Caution, and he still does. They were childhood friends who never got to say goodbye.

But Roman's always had a big heart, and Virgil's more than just _Anxiety _to him.

There's plenty of room for their resident emo in there.


End file.
